Episode Review - “Balooest of the Bluebloods”
By Crocodile Joe
Hi. I wrote this review last night at 3AM because my cable was busted. I decided to watch TS since I hadn’t in like… forever. The title of this episode, picked at random, reminds me instantly of horseshoe crabs. They have blue blood, you know. Well, I don’t care if you needed to know that or not.
We start with the Sea Duck’s engines starting. Rebecca is asking Baloo for help and gripes about how Baloo never helps her willingly. Hello, Becky!
A) Why would he and
B) It’s your plane! He doesn’t go anywhere without your say-so. At least not in the plane. Just slap him around for a while.
Then, inexplicably a limo drives up. Enter snooty bird who introduces himself as Austin Featheridge (Randy, baby!) of Featheridge, Featheridge, and Nowinski. At first when I was watching that, it sounded exactly like Lewinski. I was like shut UP. There is a Lewinski in the TaleSpin universe! How...surreal. Then Gidg informed me of the truth. And I had all these images going through my head before of animal role-playing going on in the White House. It’s the third paragraph and already you’re disgusted.
By this time, Baloo has already come from inside the plane. He’s wearing a big ol’ yellow dress that belongs on Lady Chiquita. No, seriously. It looks exactly like hers. (tropical fruit IS a theme on the show...) Either that or Blanche from the Golden Girls. “I’m looking for a certain gentleman,” says Bird who rolls his r’s but isn’t Hispanic. Baloo replies: Are you randy? No, he doesn’t. I’m kidding. Becky snottily replies he’s in the wrong place for one. What about Kit? If Kit were around, that comment would have pissed me off.
Enter Hans the raccoon butler. He has a voice that could work well offending me over the phone. I can picture him with the heavy breathing while he tells me offensive, butlery things. So then they tell Baloo he’s got a ticket to ride. He’s rich. Inherited. He’s wealthy. Mucho moolah. He’s in the money and descended from royalty. I want to make an inbreeding joke, but refrain because it would make my head hurt. Okay, and Baloo didn’t know this before? What? Sounds like a shouttout to John Goodman’s festering puke of a film “King Ralph”. Stop drooling, Gidg.
Baloo takes off. Oh, and don’t leave a note for Kit or anything there, okay, Baloo? It’s my theory that Kit’s away at sixth grade camp. Um, ya. Either that or this is just the Kitless dimension, where things aren’t as fun.
Baloo is now in the limo, and he puts on a cap and gown ala Hugh Hefner. He’s totally rubbing it in Becky’s face as if he’s earned something, even though...like, he hasn’t. The car starts moving and Becky hops on the sideboard. Neat. I wish I had the balance to do that. Hans is all helpful and by ‘helpful’, I mean totally snooty and correcting and annoying and totally gay. And not in the cute way like I am. Blah blah, you don’t need this place cause we’re gonna take you to a magic land for you to rule over. Well, hey, sounds good to me. I know if perfect strangers told me that I’d take off in a second. People really take other people’s word a lot in this ep. As the car leaves, Baloo tells Becky to, as far as the cargo goes, to stick it in her ear. Grrr. You’re not endearing yourself to me in this scene, Baloo. Becky chokes on the dust. I’m left wondering what is up with Baloo’s family. Was he completely unaware of any relatives of his being rich? Being Baloo I’d have thought he’d have made that a scamming get rich project like years ago! But whatever.
So we cut to spooky Scooby castle in Unnamed Country #50. Cue Helga the maid. Heh. She’s a shrew. And she’s shrewish. She wants to be rich. She’s a Shrewish Princess! Ha! I take ‘em where I can get ‘em. But it’s apt. Unless she’s another mammal that I don’t recognize, and I’m totally wrong. She serves him a boar. Thank goodness Spigot isn’t around. I’d probably say that without this scene, though. The boar is still alive, though. Baloo freaks. Why is she serving him live animals? I’d be wondering what kind of medication she was on. Baloo doesn’t share my inductive reasoning, though. Hans then says, “Ah, you wish to have dessert!” At this point, Gidg pushes Becky in wearing a bikini and a necklace of donuts. Okay, so instead, Helga serves this chocolate bear on a silver platter she slices up with a big ol’ butcher knife. No foreshadowing here... Now if someone pulled that on me I’d be probably either really confused, or in Compton. I’m just sayin’. She takes a lot of delight in that knife, even in a situation that totally doesn’t require one. I’d be like give me my chocolate and go away, you freak! And then I’d tell them both they were ripping off Benson and to go upstairs. Hans and Helga are definitely creepy.
At this point, Baloo decides to harass Becky over the phone at night. (picking up a theme here?) He’s in a bubble bath (okay, ew) and he sounds way happy. Then he says they’re having peasant under glass, which gives me an immediate Titanic flashback. Shut up, Baloo. Becky corrects him. Good for her. A big SHARK then attacks Baloo. This so has Scooby written all over the place. Only this shark is less smiley than Jabberjaw and more so than Scooby sharks. Yeah, I know it sounds like I know these things way too well. Baloo almost gets eaten. I’m not going near that sentence again, and you can’t make me. Too much of a reminder of that horrible Mowgli story someone found. Ick. Oh, and Baloo had to hang up on Becky. On account of the almost gettin’ eaten thing. Hans is all like, oh, there haven’t been shark sightings since the second baron... Well all right then! But this makes me hungry for pizza, and then I get mopey. But at least we get that it’s Germany. Or something. Hans: “No one told you about...the Bruinvald family curse?!” Cue lightning. Enter your own “curse” joke here. And might I add, duh Einstein. He’d never heard of this entire section of his family, the castle, or you before today. So doi.
They go and look at some paintings. All of Baloo’s ancestors look EXACTLY like him. Got clones? And you thought the panthers were weird. I’m so getting a flashback of Saber Marionette J when they’re all in the emperor’s palace. Except there’s no one running around making me laugh. Where art thou, Lime? Well, Helga sort of reminds me of Luchs, but...whatever. You non-fans have no clue what I’m talking about, so I’ll move right along.
Hans, doing his best Tim Curry impression, tells us they’re all dead. Well, duh. Baloo inherited, which kind of implies that. But they all died in the castle blah blah Baloo is sweatin’. Baloo thinks of food. I know I always get hungry when I find out all my relatives died mysteriously. Going up the stairs, a big AX comes down and nearly kills Baloo. Hans is like, yeah, someone else died there before by the way... I’d be wondering why no one could afford like, an ax inspection. Or something. Got suspicion?
Baloo eats a cupcake. He gets told the ninth Baron choked on a cupcake. Baloo chokes and spits it out nervously. Um, ew. I’d hate to be the person that cleans up that big drooled-up cupcake wad. Definite yuck. Then H&H exit and the kitchen tries to kill Baloo. Flying sharp things, flames thrown, trap doors...what is this, Buffy?? Gotta love a shouttout. But alas, no. Too early. So because the kitchen is all Amityvilling over him, he decides to call Becky. His love thang. You don’t believe me? Fine. Whatever. I then get this song in my head of “Who ya gonna call?” and picture Becky as a Ghostbuster. I was up late when I wrote this. Yes, it’s so hard to tell...
So he calls Becky, who pretty much acts like he just dumped her. Baloo: “I’m cursed!” Yeah yeah, plenty of material here. He hypers out, and she actually gets worried about him. Of course. Naturally. He’s her love tha—oh, you get the idea.
Next day. Becky knocks at the castle door, and I expect the Bugs Bunny vampire to answer (same doors) It’s daylight, the trees are cut like they are at Disneyland. It’s the most Violentest Place on Earth! Ha! Yes, of course...they’re at Euro Itchy and Scratchy Land. Hey, it makes sense. Sort of. So Becky and Wildcat are wowed. Wildcat whispers to find out where he can go to the bathroom. Anything involving Wildcat and bathrooms is funny. Becky’s like what’s to eat? They go to the kitchen, and Baloo says Baloodle Shtruedel. I won’t ask what that tastes like. (noticing any patterns yet?) Probably bananas. Get it? Chiquita? Then he looks for booby traps. Becky says: “booby is right” and I get the weirdest idea for a slash fic EVER.
So then the chandelier starts swinging over Becky’s head and Baloo asks if they can trade seats. Way to be chivalrous there, Baloo. The chandelier follows him and Becky doesn’t notice. Got Vincent Price? Helga serves cupcakes for dinner and Baloo freaks. Again. Who the hell serves cupcakes for dinner? Are there like a lot of hyperglucemics in Baloo’s family?? Either that or Helga doesn’t know how to cook. At least the villains are Scooby Doo aren’t as obvious. I can’t believe I just said that. I must be hallucinating.
Wildcat is still looking for the bathroom. Go, Wildcat! Heh...I just realized the double entendre that sentence could present. I’m sure the throne in that palace is around somewhere. I had to say that. And the staircase is in the middle of the room? How hotel-like. For some reason I want Lestat and Louis to be running around all over the place. No, not the ape Louie. ANYway...
Baloo winds up behind the wall of his bedroom through a swerving bookcase. A big metal medieval knight costume has come to life and is about to bash him. Hey, that’s my job! I kid. Baloo flees to Becky’s room, which is themed with Valentine’s Day imagery. Okay, was this an erotic themed hotel? Medieval torture is coming up. I can see you all saying the obligatory Shut up, Joe. Oh, and I love how Becky’s pink nightclothes conveniently match the room. Also, I get a total flashback to that Voyager ep where Q took Janeway to that romantic candlelit heart-pillow place. And Becky, much like Janeway is kind of hoarse. Get some water, Becky. So they trade rooms and then, then HUMAN cupids attack Baloo with their bows. Those are some major animatronics. Where’s Frink when you need him?! The robots are turning on them! So the cupid on the piano moves in for the kill, and I wonder if humans are just mythological or something in TaleSpin. Baloo in the meantime has been pinned up against the wall. Heh heh...I said “pinned”. Becky saves him and the piano crushes. Becky: “You really are cursed!” Okay, so now she’s convinced. But...c’mon. Like no one would try to MURDER someone that way?? Call the Murder She Wrote lady... Yeah, a curse is the realistic option. And Becky’s hairnet is pink? She wears a hairnet? How Lucy!
Wildcat is still lost.
Whoa! The next room they’re in looks like Wayne Manor! Cool! Baloo dresses as a knight. Because he’s Becky’s knight in shining armor. Hey, I didn’t write this. It’s just what happened...you just have to...read between the lines. That’s all. Okay, so Becky finds out all about Hans and Helga’s Murder Spree of Wackiness, and how Hans’ father started the whole shpiel. That must have been one fun family. Yeesh. Hey, kids, today instead of going out to the lake, we’re going to kill my boss! Feel the love.
They catch Becky, and Helga, with a gleaming murdery look in her eye says “Ach, but we insist you stay for dinner!” and they shove Becky into the pit on a rope. Um, seeing as how you obviously can’t COOK anything, Helga, I’d have taken the pit/spit too. Well, no I wouldn’t. But I have to insult someone. Helga doesn’t look like she’s that much fun. Hum de hum...killing off people all our lives makes us feel sooo good about ourselves. Geez, I sound like the Church Lady all of a sudden. But could you have less of a life?
I will forever witness this scene with the words “Torture the Becky!” screaming through my ears...
Awww...Baloo comes in to save her. He rushes to her rescue but the helmet falls over his head and he goes around in circles, almost falling in the pit of Kali a couple of times. Helga hits Hans accidentally. Baloo squirts them both with a big thing of chocolate. I can’t remember what since I was eating hummus on a tortilla at the time and was alternating between the show and my late dinner. Was the writer of this watching a lot of Showtime or something? Baloo locks them up in the closet, and saves Becky. Awww. No seriously. Awww. Big B&B shipper moment!
Then seconds later, it’s murder time again! Damn, that was quick. And where’s the chocolate? Hans and Helga cleaned up quickly. Maybe they ate it off each other and...no, I promised I wouldn’t go there. (let’s hear it for trends!)
Baloo and Becky run away wildly from Hans and glinty knife-wielding former East German Olympic shotput champion Helga. Run, run, run...through the Versaille-ish garden, and Baloo gets electrocuted on the gate and his nose blinks red like the Operation board game guy. Baloo’s nose is electrical? How Warner Brothers!
Hans and Helga are searching for their prey, and give the best line of the whole episode, from Hans: “I just love it when you talk cutlery...” This is like foreplay to them! Cool. They’re like some perverse Oliver Stone creation running through Labyrinth meets The Beverly Hillbillies. Very, very odd.
Becky comes up with the idea of faking Baloo’s death. (in Marge Simpson voice) “No! No more faking your own death!” (back to self) Heh. Becky is so loving this idea. See, they do this so H&H will give it up. Good plan. “I’m a goner!” we hear screaming in the distance. Me: Is that you, Carson Daly? No? Damn.
H&H get totally disappointed in not having been the ones to have killed Baloo. Like, psychotic much? Becky shows up in a costume like Anthony Hopkins wore in Bram Stoker’s Dracula, introducing herself as Fritz Kadeddlehopper. Well, there’s a name I haven’t heard before. That isn’t like Deedle, right? As in Meet the Deedles? Did anyone see that vomitfest of a movie? No? Be glad...Anyway, H&H don’t notice Fritz’s hair is coincidentally the exact same as Becky’s. Well, they’re observant psychopaths.
I like their getting off and dancing around though. Very disturbing. Very dark. Very Grimm brothers – the original stories, not the 20th century cleaned up versions without the torture and constant belly slicing. The things Disney left out...*sniff*
Becky wheels Baloo away, sans a hearse on a wheelbarrow. Did you know the Chinese invented the wheelbarrow? I just happened to have learned that a few weeks ago and thought I’d share. Just because. Oh, what, am I supposed to come up with a zinger EVERY paragraph?? Anyway.
Bird guy shows up with a couple of armed policeman. Well...that was convenient. Does he need them as guards? Did he anticipate the murderfest going on and was using B&B as baitlike guinea pigs to prove the shenanigans going on at Castle Von Shaggy’s Rich Relative? I mean, really...did he know that Hans and Helga were trying to make ornamental radish carvings out of B&B? We never find out.
And isn’t that a little creepy? Jessica Lansbury would NOT be happy with this ending. We really need her to explain what was what. I’m confused. I won’t dwell, though.
Baloo: “Arrest those two!”
Birdguy: (answering in his best impression of the owl from the ancient Tootsie Pop commercial) “On what charge?”
Becky: “Attempted murder!”
And, um...murder. Don’t forget murder, Becky. Like duh. And then...okay...the police rush up and take them away with NO WORDS EXCHANGED at ALL. Huh?? Wha? Man, I wish I could do that! Point to people and have them taken away just on my word, because it so unbelievably pure.
Baloo invites Becky to go back inside the castle in a mock snooty voice, and she answers in a Southern accent “Why I’d love to...” Birdguy tells him, oh by the way your family has 300 years of bad taxes. Yeah, I’m sure money not paid to Napoleon really counts. What?? They have laws to protect people from that sort of weirdness, but yeah. Moving right along. Baloo says that’s just mere truffles. Yay, a truffle ref! Becky corrects him by saying “trifles” Go, Becks. Fight the linguistic fight.
Baloo owes like over 500 million, and basically owes $1.89 after they take what he inherited. Um, okay that information might have been a little bit useful to them YESTERDAY! But Birdguy has some creepy eye thing going on, and I think he looks crazy as hell, so it’s best to get out of that whole weirdass country while you can, in my opinion. Birdguy’s eye thing reminds me of Daria’s teacher DeMartino. But with a different voice.
Back in Cape Suzette, Becky has made burgers and fries and they talk to one another like lovers do, with fake snooty accents (this time without her doing the Southern accent which I don’t get). They say they feel like they forgot something. Uh oh!
Wildcat of course! Poor Wildcat. He should have just found a friendly houseplant, but instead he’s still roaming all over the place. And it closes with him talking to himself about directions and then veers off with “fight, fight, fight!” What the....? Whaaaaaaaaaa?! Was Wildcat once a cheerleader? I get a pic in my head that is so like the Daria alter egos at the end of those shows. Wildcat with little pompoms but still in his mechanic jumpers. That might raise some serious questions for me. And yet I can picture it perfectly. So little fazes me nowadays...
I give this ep 4 out of 5 stars. The writing is actually really good, and I love the villains. Quite frankly I’m surprised they were able to get away with as much as they did. Getting in under the sneaky censor beacon. Gotta love that. Excellent premise, but definitely a Scooby shoutout.