The cast of TS and TV’s Joe now resume their ordeal in the Satellite of Love, to view Gidg’s adaptation...

Kit:  Why are we still here??

(part 2 of 3)
(a parody)


Kit:  Oh yeah…

                    TaleSpin and its characters are the property of Buena Vista Television/Walt Disney Co. This short story was adapted from the televised episode written by Dev Ross.

TV’S JOE:  Wake me when this is over…

No profit was made, so please don't sue me. Some extra parts were written and minor

TV’S JOE:  On second thought don’t.  I need my sleep…

changes were made in order to improve the narrative flow for the written page. I would also like to thank my good pal Ted for his invaluable feedback and advice.

TV’S JOE:  Not me...just Ted…still…

                                           by Michelle "Gidget" Beaubien

                    Rebecca found herself hurled through the doors of La Rotune Restaurant, landing hard on the sidewalk. She shook the loaf like a long fist.

TV’S JOE:  She whatted the what?  Was that another innuendo??

                    "I wasn't hungry anyway!" she yelled at the closed doors.

Baloo:  Because she was a loon and she expected them to talk back..

Becky:  Well, at least that’s a line that you’ll never have a problem with…

Painfully, she tried to stand.

Baloo:  and read this fic at the same time, but found it too stressful...

Three thousand shaboozies? All I'm getting is bruises from this place.

                    Meanwhile, back inside, Baloo was

Becky:  being an ass?…doing nothing constructive?…eating his weight in shrimp??

reluctantly excusing himself from the table.

                    "I'd better see if she's okay, Kiki," The pilot apologized. "I'm real sorry about

TV’S JOE: (Baloo) Princess Mononoke breaking your box office record and all…

all this. I just can't seem to take her anywhere."

Becky:  Except for granted!…

                    Kitten smiled. "Perfectly understandable. I'll give you a couple of minutes to smooth things over, then I'll meet you outside…Baby Bear."

Becky:  Firstly, you’re a moron, Baloo.  Second, there isn’t anything about you that’s baby…

                    Hot diggity --- I'm her baby bear!

                    He hurried outside, not bothering to wipe off all the

Becky:  sweat and grease…

Kit:  Eww...

spaghetti. He cut a comical figure

Kit:  in the spaghetti? 

but didn't care.

TV’S JOE:  I can relate!…

As soon as I check on Becky, I can go back to Kiki.

Because:  Because she’s really attracted to you (starts laughing uncontrollably)

Baloo:  Can I just leave now??

                    Rebecca was brushing her pants off when he

Becky:  just stood there ogling...

Baloo:  Please?? Please, can I go home??!

found her. "Becky, what gives? It's my job to embarrass us, not yours," he chided.

                    She glared at him fiercely.

TV’S JOE:  And with her newfound power made him explode, The End...

"You said we were friends. Why did you tell Kitten we weren't?"

Becky:  Because he’s an idiot.

                    "Now, Becky, we are friends," he tried to soothe her. Then a ludicrous yet disquieting thought rippled through the quiet pool of his brain.

Becky:  I like that description...buuuuut I don't like where this is going....

"Wait a minute! You're not jealous of her, are ya?

Becky:  Oh, right…now we’re getting to Baloo’s ego.  That’s always fun to dissect…Wake me when his conscious arrives.  Oh wait!  It's always at the last minute!

Baloo:  Please let intermission be soon.

Aw, that's just perfect. That's all I need.

                    "Jealous!" she shot back, outraged. "Of an empty-headed bombshell with a body that can stop a moose at fifty paces?

Becky:  Because you see moose like to be near saline environments in summer…

TV’S JOE:  Wrong time period...

Becky:  If you say so…

Hmmph!" Rebecca turned away from him, folding her arms.

TV’S JOE:  Hmm.  She does that a lot. (in Sister Mary Clarence from SNL) Sometimes I like to stick my fingers under my armpits and then I smell 'em like this!

I'd like to see that phony blonde pregnant with twins, no-- the Peon Quints…

TV’S JOE:  I'm not sure but I think there were these famous Canadian quintuplets that were totally profited off of as a sideshow at their expense...So its either a reference to that or the fruit...

and bald. Definitely bald.

Baloo:  the babies or Kiki??

                    "Good!" Baloo was relieved. "I only said those things 'cause stars are so know." He took her arm and guided her to a nearby bench in the outdoor patio of La Rotune Restaurant.

                    They sat and he added, "You're such a bright, capable woman."

Becky:  And your meal ticket, your source of learning, your reason to get up in the morning...

Kit:  I thought that was breakfast...

Becky:  (laughs)

Baloo:  You're all off my Christmas card list.

                    "True," she agreed, somewhat mollified.

TV’S JOE:  And Kitted and Wildcatted and Shered…

"Kitten might feel a little inadequate around me."

                    "Right! And if she got upset, she might

Becky:  forget how to blow her nose... No, we wouldn’t want that...

fire me from the stunt." He fought the urge to

Becky:  come on to Becky…

Baloo:  I’d rather come on to a traffic light.  At least they don’t tell me to stop what I'm *doing* all the time!

knock on wood---or in this case, rap his

TV’S JOE:  way into a successful career with the name HeavyB...

knuckles on the bench's wooden slats. No more Kiki, ---it was a terrible thought. Beautiful women were almost never interested in ol' Baloo.

Becky:  Right.  “almost”...*chuckles*

Baloo:  Oh, like you’re just such a prize!

All he got were

Becky:  ads for swimsuit calendars…

Kit:  like the one he-

Baloo:  hehhehe...funny, Kit, how you were about to make some sort of *joke* at my expense…

Becky:  Well, it isn’t like it’s that hard.

lady hippos. "Broadcast Sally", his last date from a few months ago, was a sweet gal with a silky voice but a big crush on him. Yeah, she nearly crushed me ta death, carryin' me off the docks when we got back from Thembria. That Cleanser's Comet mess was not

TV’S JOE:  that great a pun?? Well maybe it is.  I’m tired and bitter.

an experience he wanted to repeat. And Plane Jane was another great gal, though she looked a lot better with a veil over her face.

                    Suddenly, Rebecca remembered and started to stand up. Like a seesaw, Baloo's considerable weight brought his side of the bench down with a 'whump'.

Becky: (laughs)

He lost his balance and landed on his back,

Becky:  his considerably large back...

and she landed on his soft stomach,

Becky:  sort of like a giant beanie baby…Hey, maybe that’s why she called you baby!

Baloo:  Go away…

accidentally flipping the

TV’S JOE:  bird?? What, someone had to say it!

end of his long tie across his nose, landing in a heap.

                    "The stunt! Baloo, you've got to quit immediately. All kinds of terrible accidents have been happening---it's as if someone is trying to sabotage the film!"

                    "Accidents? Sabotage? Two of my least favorite words!"

Becky:  I thought they were ‘work’ and ‘low-fat’

Kit:  or ‘non-fat’

Baloo:  Why me??

They got up and Baloo grabbed her


Kit:  should I really be hearing about this??


Kit:  Oh.  Never mind...

(Becky shakes her head and puts it in her hands)

"Come on, pal, we gotta talk to---"

TV’S JOE: (Baloo) a therapist and work out all this sexual tension...

Becky: (shudders very noticeably)

Kit:  Are you all right??

Becky:  Maybe in a couple days...(continues shuddering)

                    "Oh, Balooey? Here I am," A sexy, velvety voice interrupted them. All thoughts of imminent danger dissolved and the big bear's brain seemed soft, like it was full of pudding.

Becky:  Hmmm…Id say his brain was more like jelly, and the part of his body like pudding would be his a-

TV’S JOE:  anatomy that we won't go into!!  Lord knows I don’t!

His eyes glazed over and a foolish grin spread over his face and

TV’S JOE:  Rebecca realized the Joker had struck in the entirely wrong series...

his tongue rolled out. He was again under her spell. Kiki, you came back for me….

                    Oh no, Rebecca groaned inwardly. Before she could elaborate, Kitten had somehow slipped

TV’S JOE:  her the tongue...

(Becky pelts TV’s Joe with raisonettes)

Becky:  Dance, MiST boy! Dance!

                    between them and with one shapely, hard hip, bumped her hard, sending her into some bushes lining the walk. That rotten little floozy did that on purpose! There was no longer any doubt in Rebecca's mind that Kitten

TV’S JOE:  had come onto her…Hey, where are you going??!!!

(TS cast abruptly leaves Joe alone in his MiST)

TV’S JOE:  Fine!  Who needs *you*??  (pauses)  Man, I’m screwed…

hated other females.

TV’S JOE:  That’s a shame... If she had loved females it could have been *much* more interesting!!  OWW!!!

Becky:  (curtly) Don’t make us throw you out into space, dear…

TV’S JOE:  I thought you left...


Kitten playfully chucked Baloo under the chin and patted his

Becky:  OOomph!  (makes googly face)  I am leaving already...I can’t stand any more! (exits)

 face, cooing

TV’S JOE:  She’s making bird noises?? That’s not much of a turn-on...

in the lisping, doting tones one reserved for

TV’S JOE:  Cindy Brady.

a spoiled pet. "Kiki's got a big surprise for her baby bear, " she purred.

                    Baby bear? I'm going to be sick. Rebecca glowered at the other woman, trying to imagine her with leprosy. Baloo squirmed with boyish embarrassment,

TV’S JOE:  Ugch…there’s a picture Ill be trying to get out of my head the rest of the fic...

blushing and forgetting to roll his tongue back into his mouth. Catching the end of his tie and pulling it like a leash,

TV’S JOE:  Oh, so she’s into leashes, huh?? This just gets better and better!

Kitten gently pulled him behind her and briskly signaled a Starrywood

TV’S JOE:  hooker??

cab, which immediately screeched to a stop at the curb.

                    Kiki. Kiki. Big surprise. I'm her baby bear, Baloo sighed.

TV’S JOE:  Okay, now *I’m* sick…

                    Aloud, he said absently, "Well...see ya around, Becky. Thanks…let's do lunch."

TV’S JOE:  Something just occurred to me.  Baloo would make a great murder witness…just put a bimbo in front of him first…instant bribe!  Okay, I’m really stretching on coming up with material right now…can you blame me??*

He crawled into the back seat after the actress, shutting the door in Rebecca's face. The cab roared away, leaving her standing in the middle of the street

TV’S JOE:  and without shoes…how unsanitary!

                    She shouted after the shrinking vehicle,

TV’S JOE:  (Becky)  Now Ill squash you, you insignificant toad!  AAH HA HA!

"Baloo! You're acting like a complete idiot, even for you!"

                    Well, if he won't do something about this, I will. I'm going to get to the bottom of this accident business.

TV’S JOE:  I wonder if accident business is slang for anything… Hmmm…                                    


                    She returned to the studio and managed to find the director's office, where the platypus and his gander

TV’S JOE:  I hope that’s referring to the assistant…


TV’S JOE:  Oh. Phew!!

were having a hushed conversation. The door was ajar, so

TV’S JOE:  it was real transparent…Buh-dum ching.

Rebecca put her ear to it and peered through the

TV’S JOE:  window of lost time…

Becky: (starts singing that Supreme’s song “Reflections”)

TV’S JOE:  Oh, you’re back...

Becky:  We decided that you’re too vulgar to leave alone...

TV’S JOE:  Gee, I'm touched…and oddly flattered…

small opening.

(the entire TS cast dives on top of Joe to prevent him from saying anything..)

                    "I feel terrible about these accidents, Montgomery, but the public loves the intrigue,"

TV’S JOE:  of the Ward??

Kit:  Don’t give up your day job, there…

C.B. was saying earnestly.

TV’S JOE:  and Vernly...

"It's guaranteed big box office success. Perhaps I'll win my Oscar at last!"

                    Rebecca's mouth fell open.

Baloo:  She had heard enough about Oscars for one lifetime...

Kit:  Don’t look at me…I was just taking pity on the dork…

"He's the one causing the accidents? Wha--!"

Kit:  Isn’t that *my* line??

She was so surprised that she tilted too far, and fell into the room in a heap. Uh-oh.

                    CB didn't bat an eyelash. He bent and with warm, sweaty hands, helped her up. "Ah, the actress I sent for."

TV’S JOE:  Hmm....where is *this* going???

                    Rebecca was outraged. She advanced on him,

TV’S JOE:  Boohoo!

and grabbed the lapels of his cheap polyester shirt.

TV’S JOE:  There we go!

                    "So! Sabotaging your own film. Admit it now, and maybe the police will go easy on you."

TV’S JOE:  And if they don’t they’ll sing, aheh heh…

Baloo:  Again, I have no idea what that means and I'm glad…

                    Good-naturedly, he detached himself and put waved her off.

TV’S JOE:  And then he put sent her away, and put backed off, and....

"No need to audition, young lady.  You've already got the part."

Baloo:  Bride of Frankenstein!  Perfect!  You don’t even need makeup!

 He turned,

TV’S JOE:  into Richard Jeni and took off…

Baloo:  Is anyone else completely not getting any of his jokes?

Becky:  (dully) I’ve stopped listening myself…

seized the megaphone hanging on an elastic cord from his assistant's long neck and shouted into it, rustling the feathers of its owner. "Montgomery! Get her into costume immediately."

                    "You won't get away with this!" she yelled,

Baloo: (Becky)  I'm already wearing a costume...horror mask! Can't you tell?

"Causing accidents is against the la--!"

                    Montgomery took firm hold of the ranting woman's elbow and firmly marched her out of the office,

(all make false trumpet noises as they march)

                    en route to the wardrobe department. C.B. continued to hold the handle of the megaphone, forgetting that Montgomery was still wearing it.

Baloo:  You would too...what with Becky having that look on her face...Scary, but it's what I live with every day....

Becky:  You wish you lived with me.  Pig...

Baloo:  Wacko.

Becky:  Slob!

Baloo:   Uptight money grubbing wench!

Scarlet:  And what's wrong with being a wench?!?

Baloo:   I just can't win, can I??

                    "Actresses are so temperamental. Sheesh!" He spread his hands in a 'why me?' gesture,

Baloo:  I do *that* a lot...

releasing the megaphone, now stretched taut. Like a slingshot, it snapped through the doorway

Kit:  Which isn't the slightest bit unrealistic...

back to Montgomery, knocking both him and Rebecca down with a crash.


                    Rebecca found herself spirited away by

TV'S JOE:  The Headless Horseman...

a couple of wardrobe mistresses, stripped of her street clothes and quickly fitted into a fake leopard print loin clothe;

TV’S JOE:  It’s weird, but this is reminding me of Boogie Nights…Ew...yeah, *totally* bad visual!!…

the snug cloth clung in all the right places. The alluring fit suited her very well. She looked like

TV’S JOE:  Julie Newmar?? Eartha Kit??

Kit:  Who? What?

Jane of the Tartar movies. Except she was not to be the love interest of a sweaty jungle hero,

Becky:  Although that would be nice...

Baloo:  It wouldn’t work…Tarzan’s hearing is too good…

Becky:  Eh heh heh…shut up.

but of a mechanical gorilla. She was on the set of Ding Dong, to be exact.

TV'S JOE:  I'm not touching that sentence with a ten-foot pole.

                    The giant simian was built in two units: The fearsome, snarling head of the beast had a huge, hinged jaw, and was rigged to snap open and shut. Rebecca, squirming 'on her mark', was clamped in a "fist" on a wheeled platform,

Baloo:  So this is what you're into...

(Becky pushes his hat down over his face and shoves him)

 lined on train tracks. When two technicians pushed the platform toward the snapping jaws, filmed in a few takes, it would appear as though the beast was bringing the struggling woman closer to its mouth. The polished sheet metal teeth were as sharp as needles.

TV'S JOE:  Hate to rain logic on you here, but wouldn't they just be sharp??  Because sharp as needles implies they're really thin, and the set is really big and oh, never mind...

                    Every precaution was taken to ensure that in the first take, the fist platform would stop before

TV'S JOE:  Everyone fell asleep...

                    brutal contact could be made. State-of-the-art special effects were tricky, the director knew---but the expense was well worth it. "Action!" C.B. yelled. The man at the control box flipped up

TV'S JOE:  the bird...he was new...

two levers and the heavy platform began to roll glide smoothly along the tracks. The other techs activated Ding Dong's jaws.

TV'S JOE:  Trying not to make a joke here... Trying....

They creaked open and slammed shut. Opened wider. Slammed shut.

Kit:  Then the director stopped playing Hungry-hungry Hippo, and went back to making the film...

                    The incisors gleamed wickedly.

TV'S JOE:  As opposed to teeth that gleamed with angelic grace...

                    "You'll never get away with this---!"

Baloo:  Why didn't you just tell him you weren't an actress?? 

Becky:  I was trying to get him to confess...

TV'S JOE:  How very "Velma" from Scooby-Doo of you.

The 'damsel-in-distress' continued her tirade,

Baloo:  You should hear her at the office...*I'LL* tell you about tirades!

her voice penetrating the back of the set.

                    "Hey, just stick to the script, okay?" was the only answer she got. A metallic ping interrupted her

TV'S JOE:  Everyone was suddenly playing miniature golf... Darn her luck!

                    and she paused. A screw popped loose,

Becky:  in Baloo's head earlier.  Yes, we know.

then another.

                    Rebecca began to scream. Those points of shiny metal slammed together with the inexorable finality of a guillotine. I'm going to die, she thought wildly. Oh, dear God, Molly!

TV'S JOE:  But then she realized it wasn't Molly about to devour her...

Kit:  Like there's any difference...

Becky:  Hey!

                    "The girl's a natural!" C.B. told Montgomery excitedly. That gold statuette was as good as in his sweaty hands right now.

TV'S JOE:  Oh, that's lovely.  Why am I hearing so much about sweat??

                    Then Rebecca felt a slight change in the momentum.

TV'S JOE:  She was time traveling??

The platform's speed was accelerating.

TV'S JOE:  Then Doc Brown pulled the switch and.

C.B. finally noticed that something was wrong. "Cut!" he shouted.

                    The man at the controls gripped both levers, tried to yank them down in the 'off' position. They would not budge. The crew began to shout at each other, others stared in mute horror.

TV'S JOE:  And then Godzilla stomped on them all, The End.

                    Kit walked by, attired in cowboy duds, boots, and hat. During this entire morning, he'd tried auditioning as a gangster, a saloonkeeper, a sailor, and even a pilot, which really hurt.

TV'S JOE:  It hurt auditioning...What??

This time,

TV'S JOE:  It's personal!!

                    he'd gotten tangled in the rope when told to lasso a stunt man.

                    "Boy," he said sourly, looking up at the commotion. "How'd she get a part?" It just wasn't fair. He continued to walk past them until he was finally out of earshot.

Baloo:  Lucky him...

                    "I said CUT!" C.B. bellowed.

                    Why do I always have to…" The platypus grabbed the megaphone, stretched it from the gander's neck and bellowed into it, making the assistant lose a few feathers, "…repeat myself?

Kit:  I dunno.  You're boring?

I said CUT!"

                    Wires stretched taut, then snapped, the swinging

TV'S JOE:  dancers didn't even notice, though.

wildly around the crew's heads, narrowly missing them. C.B. ran to the front, arms outstretched,

TV'S JOE:  And screamed "PSI!  PSI!"

and tried to hold onto the gorilla's massive fist to ward it off,

TV'S JOE:  I would have thought "Montgomery" would have wanted to "ward" it off, and okay, I overused that joke....

but the momentum would not let up, forced him backwards, his feet pedaling frantically to avoid being run over.

                    "Please!" he begged, "pleasepleaseplease…!"

Becky:  What a sad, pathetic man...

                    The wheels of the 'fist' platform squealed, emitting tiny sparks as it reached the end of the line.

Kit:  How ominous...

                    Like a felled tree, the fist tipped forward, losing its iron-grip on the leading lady. Rebecca would either fall, smashing into the pavement below or be bitten in half.

Baloo:  Either way, I could sleep in the next day...*sigh* Too bad I know how it ends...

She stared into the thing's shark-like mouth and prayed that

Becky:  she wouldn't be reminded of Baloo's breath, but to no avail.

the end would be mercifully quick.

                    Arms flailing, she was sailing in mid-air, and managed to grab the edge of the Ding Dong's rubbery

TV'S JOE:  Trying not to say anything...trying...

                    lip. Crash! The structure that held her in its precarious grip was now a twisted maze of broken wooden planks, metal and sizzling electric sparks.

TV'S JOE:  But she wasn't worried...Doc Brown's place was always like that...

                    A small wooden plank bonked C.B. on the head, but otherwise, no one else was hurt.

                    "Do ya want another take, C.B.? Do ya? Do ya?" Montgomery asked his boss excitedly, as the director sat up, moaning and rubbing his head. Rebecca managed to climb down the monster's face, hand-over-hand, using clumps of its hairy face as hand holds, and climbed down the hairy arm until her feet touched the ground. Something black dashed from behind the gorilla head,


TV'S JOE:  Dust bunnies??

disappearing out the door in a blur of motion. Rebecca blinked.

TV'S JOE:  And realized she wasn't in My Neighbor Totoro.  Still, that was weird.

                    "Hey! Over there--!" She pointed, but the thing vanished.

TV'S JOE:  John Carpenter's Thing... Spoooooky, huh?

Gee, maybe the director wasn't the one causing the accidents…Rebecca was looking over her shoulder where the mysterious figure had been standing as she walked away, distracted by her thoughts…and bumped into something big and soft.

Kit:  A Totoro?

It was Baloo,

Becky:  Same thing...

holding a bunch of dainty pink posies, which looked ridiculously perky in his massive fist.


TV'S JOE:  Won well deserved praise and numerous awards for "Odelay".  Thank you.

You're crushin' the flowers I got for Kiki." He patted and straightened them back into shape. He did not notice her loincloth costume.

Becky:  He must have been hit on the head by the flying debris...

                    Rebecca said impatiently, "Baloo, look. Whoever that mysterious figure was is causing the accidents." He looked at her blankly.

Becky:  Oh, big shock!

                    "Accidents?" Then he got it. "Oh yeah, right --- the accidents! Come on, pal, we'd better go find---!"

Kit:  Geez, Baloo has the attention span of a hummingbird in this fic...

                    "Balooey? Here I am," A familiar female voice purred. Baloo's foolish, besotted expression returned; Rebecca grimaced and moved away from Kitten,

Becky:  I didn't want to risk getting lice...

Kit:  Speeew!!

jockeying for a position

Kit:  in the Kentucky Derby.

on Baloo's right. Kitten stood at his left side, and noticed the flowers.

                    "For me?" She accepted the flowers, smiling. "Come, Poopsie.

Kit:  Ewwwwwww...I think this is finally getting to me...

Becky and TV'S JOE:  Join the club!

Kiki's going to take her baby bear out for a final fabulous meal before

Becky:  She goes bankrupt??

 he flies his big important stunt." She took his arm and

Becky:  then dropped it and had to seek medical help for the strain it put on her...

led him away, slyly glancing at Rebecca.

TV'S JOE:  Now we're talkin'!

Becky:  Uh, this isn't a Sailor Moon, fic...

It was that smug look at galvanized Rebecca into rushing forward and grabbing the pilot's other arm, trying to hold him back.

Kit:  Catfight! Catfight!

Becky:  That's it.  No more sugar for you today...

                    "Baloo, you can't go! You have to listen to me!"

                    "Hey, simmer down, we can talk later." Baloo gently detached himself from her frantic grip.

                    "Later? You might not have a later!" she shouted after him.

                    To Kitten, he apologized, "You'll have to excuse her. She skipped lunch."

Becky:  But that's not a problem *all* of us have, is it??

Baloo:  I want to go home.

Kitten smiled understandingly and gave his arm a squeeze.

Becky:  She thought he was a beanie baby...

                    "Fine, Baloo. Don't listen to me." Rebecca stalked to the wardrobe department to change into

TV'S JOE:  A Michael Myers mask??

her street clothes. But someone is causing these accidents, and I'm going to find out who it is…

TV'S JOE:  (Becky) This time...its personal...

                    Rebecca found the stunt plane outside in an airfield set, climbed up and sat in the open cockpit, making herself comfortable…even if I have to guard your stunt plane all night! I'm doing this for you, Baloo. Wherever you are.

Becky:  (making an ass out himself).                                                       …..

                    At the Rotune Restaurant, Baloo and Kitten were talking and laughing, completely ignoring the world around them.

Becky:  Because Baloo was eating and Kitten was blasted...

Kitten laughed at his corny jokes

Becky:  Gee, wonder why...(makes the drinking a bottle motion)

and made him feel special, like they were the only people in the room.

Kit:  Well it wouldn't be a big surprise.  Baloo does take up a lot of space...

He didn't want the feeling to end. Finally, during dessert, Kitten

Becky:  was even appalled as Baloo dove in but bit her lip anyway...

rose gracefully from the booth, smoothing the creases out of her long white dress.

                    "Excuse me for a moment, Sugar Loaf. I'm going to go freshen up."

                    Baloo waved her away genially.

Becky:  She was blocking a ham...

"Of course, take yer time."


                    A black-cloaked figure stole slid along the walls of the building near the stunt plane. He was covered from head to toe in a long, wraithlike black sheet,

TV'S JOE:  Luckily, Neve Campbell was off on vacation so at least *her* problems were solved....

like the Dickens' hellish Ghost of Christmas Future. Rebecca curled up in the cockpit, dozing. She stirred a little, but remained

Becky:  The only sane person in this fic??

                    asleep. He silently padded to the back of the plane, opened a panel and, with a wrench, dismantled a small metal, cog- toothed gear.

TV'S JOE:  And then said "I am the Phantom Blot AH HA HA HA!" and locked Scrooge and his nephews up in a cave.

His gloves made the task difficult, and he clumsily dropped the piece. It landed on the ground with a loud metallic clang! Rebecca's eyes flew open and she sat up fast, breathing hard. "W-what?" She looked around wildly, then her attention was arrested, riveted on the menacing figure below. He looked up, startled. All that were visible were two white slits for the eyes.

TV'S JOE:  What was this, the opening credits to Scooby Doo??

He dropped the wrench, picked up the hem of his robe and took flight and disappeared through the emergency exit of the set building.

                    He's tampering with the plane! "Hey! You!" she yelled, slinging one leg, then the other over the lip of the cockpit and jumping to the ground. She felt the shock sing through her legs, and grimly absorbed it, wincing with pain.

TV'S JOE:  Hmmm.isn't she the little G.I. Jane??...

                    "Come back here, you…you…Starrywood saboteur!" Then, wisely deciding not to waste her


Becky:  time she left and went home, The End.

breath, Rebecca grimly pursued her quarry into the building then gave the interior a desperate glance.

Baloo:  (Becky)  Those curtains don't go with that floor!  Oh, the pain of it all!

She heard loud footfalls---the mysterious figure rushed up a flight of stairs. When Rebecca followed, she found herself surrounded by a bunch of paper mache buildings

TV'S JOE:  and they were carrying little knives, and okay that was stupid...

 no taller than her waist. It was the Ding Dong set, complete with

TV'S JOE:  paddles and a net...

Kit:  That's ping pong...

TV'S JOE:  Oh.  Right...

a miniature city for the monster to stomp through and wreak terror and destruction.

Baloo:  Like Becky on a bad morning. Or a good morning for that matter...

Becky:  Oh, I could make an analogy between you and a monster stomping through a city, but Ill refrain... 

The black-robed figure

TV'S JOE:  Was a professional wrestler?? Q from Star Trek in a judge's costume??

brushed the fragile buildings, knocking most of them over with a clatter. Rebecca nearly tripped over the structures, picking

Baloo:  On Baloo all the time, even though he didn't deserve it...

her way quickly through the mess and continued the chase.

                    Ahead, the saboteur glanced in her direction---then spied several pairs of stilts leaning against the wall, in case technicians working on the elevated 'city' structure needed to move around the set without the added nuisance of retracing their steps all the way back to the staircase.

TV'S JOE:  This feels like a Learning Channel documentary... That'll probably pass soon...

He lost no time in

TV'S JOE:  getting Back to the Future, The End.

hoisting himself onto a pair and hurriedly tottered away. The determined businesswoman grabbed another pair of stilts and stiffly followed. She heard the frightened squeak of a mouse as it

TV'S JOE:  slid across the pad and interrupted this sentence...

Baloo:  Don't look at me...I never have any idea what he's talking about either...

ran for cover, grunts and yelps of pain below

TV'S JOE:  indicated a movie was being filmed she definitely didn't want to watch.

and almost tripped over two actors: A lady hippo and her stork husband, lounged on a sandy beach set, pretending to enjoy the imitation sunshine beaming from the hot overhead lights.

                    Ropes weighted down by sandbags on pulleys hung from the rafters like twisted jungle vines.

TV'S JOE:  I'm confused...were they part of a set?

Kit:  Just don't try to keep up...and can I change seats?  Anyone?

The robed figure tottered over to a sandbag, and wrapped his body around it and stepped off the stilts,

TV'S JOE:  Where he was followed by track music, Shaggy, Freddy, Daphne, Scooby...

where they tipped over and landed on the couple below.

Baloo: (robed guy...Nelson laugh)  HA ha!

The ropes spun through the whirring pulley wheels as his weight sent him to the ground. As he landed, the aardvark tech that was holding on to the other end of the rope shot upward like a rocket. Rebecca wrapped her body around the startled man,

Kit:  Should I be knowing this??

dropped her stilts and their combined weights, in two stomach-turning seconds,

TV'S JOE:  Oh, my stomach's been turning for more than two seconds...

sent them plummeting to the ground—fortunately they landed on their feet.

                    Ahead of the robed figure was a huge black wall. Rebecca picked up speed, shortening the distance between them.

TV'S JOE:  Suddenly she was the Bionic Woman...Which is weird that I bring up, because the music to *Wonder* Woman is going through my head at the same time...

Yes! Rebecca thought triumphantly. I've got you now!

TV'S JOE:  (sings)  Won-der Woman!

The triumph turned into

TV'S JOE:  a golden lasso...

dumbfounded amazement when he didn't slow down, didn't stop. He kept a straight course toward the black wall.

                    On the other side of the wall, a night-lit graveyard was being haunted. It was amass with grave markers, dying flowers and freshly dug loam. Out of the shadows cast by tombstones, an actor in a ghost costume leapt forward,

TV'S JOE:  And began the speech that would be finished up in the elevator in the Haunted Mansion.

moaning hideously---and was rudely interrupted. He shrieked with surprise as a strange black ghost-thing suddenly burst through the graveyard backdrop,

TV'S JOE:  And chased Neve Campbell all over the place, the entire thing was a mess.

leaving a large ragged hole; it shouldered him roughly aside, and he tumbled backwards onto a grave, into the dirt.

                    A backdrop! Rebecca gritted her teeth and ran through the hole, past a ghost trying to assess his filthy sheet.

TV'S JOE:  I'm sure I could do something with the end of that sentence, but Ill just leave it to your imagination...

                    Dismayed, he moaned, "I'll never get these stains out,"

TV'S JOE:  Trying not to say anything...trying *desperately*....

                    Several wheeled flights of stairs leading up wooden scaffolds seemed to mingle into each other.  She heard footfalls—saw a flash of black cloth above her on a catwalk. There! Rebecca raced up three flights of wooden steps, only to bump into a door. She turned and saw him again, standing

TV'S JOE:  with Bill and Ted on their bogus journey??

Kit:  (to Baloo)  You think YOURE desperate to go home???

across from her on a similar scaffold ---the two structures were separated by several feet of huge, dizzying open space. She looked down past the floor of the scaffold on which she stood and color drained from her face.

TV'S JOE:  Because the robed guy started singing "Music of the Night" from Phantom of the Opera!!

From where she stood on the wobbling set, the ground was easily a hundred-foot drop.

Kit: (dismissively) Pthff... Big deal!

Becky:  Uh, you have an airfoil?!  I don't!

Kit:  Oh yeah.

                    Don't look down, she ordered herself. She backed away a few steps, took a deep breath. Arms outstretched, she ran forward…and jumped.

All: (make the bionic leaping sound)

Rebecca sailed over the open chasm and got a frightening glimpse of tiny people scurrying around like ants.

Kit:  Then she realized they were ants and they just hadn't sprayed the building...

The edge of the scaffold ahead seemed further away than she thought…then her hands

slammed into the hard wood, and agony sang through her palms.

Baloo:  It sounded a lot like the Phantom...

Without thinking, Rebecca called up every ounce of flagging strength in her aching body and hoisted herself up, rolling onto the platform, panting. Her palms absolutely stung, burning with raw scrapes and splinters. I did it. I don't know how, but I did it!

Becky: (to Baloo)  Better than you could have done, too!  (sticks her tongue out) Nyah!

                    Rebecca ignored her stinging hands and got to her feet once more. A good businesswoman never quit.

Kit: (in announcer type voice)  They just get even!...

She saw him head for the exit. Adrenaline seemed to fill every pocket of her body until it

overflowed. She gritted her teeth, shot forward in an extra burst of speed.

TV'S JOE:  yelling EleleleleleleleleleYA! (like Xena)

And hurled herself in a flying tackle, landing on top of her tormentor with a resounding crash. Her prisoner flailed at her, twisting, but was pinned to the floor under Rebecca's weight. He tried to push her off, swearing coarsely. "Get off me! Get off!"


Baloo:  Sorry...I just feel more comfortable with your mouth a little bit more shut right now...

Rebecca's lips thinned as she reached over,

Kit:  for some chapstick.

gripped the hood and roughly tore it off. When she saw who it was, she was so surprised that she did not resist when her quarry finally rolled over, breaking her hold. The words tripped out before she could stop them.

TV'S JOE:  See, it isn't a real ghost!  Just like in Scooby!...*crickets chirp* Fine!  See if I come back here to delight everyone with *my* witty remarks!

                    "It's you!"

                    End of Part Two

Kit:  ITS OVER!!!

Baloo:  I am NOT coming back for Part 3!!

Becky:  Awwww...poor sensitive Bawoo...

Baloo:  (quickly) Shut up!...

TV'S JOE:  I think Ill just be going now...(bows and exits)


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